Dadtalk

Why dads matter - an African Father thinks aloud

Children; the Congolese say, are a reward of life” but before one begins to enjoy that reward it is always important to pause and reflect...

As a man one of the proudest moments in your life is the feeling you get in the locker room when naked with the boys and bamm! You suddenly realise that you are one of the BIG BOYS.

Another time you also feel good is when you meet your friends and their women and bamm! You realise that you actually are married to the most beautiful woman among your friends and they all envy you.

But in my books the best time to really feel good as an African man is having a baby and realising that your baby turned out so well and you can truly say that! You were actually a great dad. Being a dad is the best job in the whole world. You need not be the Big Boy in the locker room, you need not be married to the most beautiful woman, but you can actually be the best dad in the world to your kids. The beauty of this particular feeling- It is all up to you. That is the story that you personally write. Being a dad is one of the most fulfilling adventures in the whole world and can also bring you the greatest happiness. If you don’t believe me ask fathers whose children have grown to become people of influence and have truly touched their generations and their immediate families.

Like they say; looking at a king's mouth one would never think he sucked his mother's breast. Even kings used to be babies and it takes great dads to raise great kids. It is all in the nurturing.

They say “love is blind” and sometimes many men who got on the carriage of marriage realised that they need to get off. If you are an African, not so fast, brother. The institution of marriage is a big thing among families and the expectation after the marriage is “we want babies”.

In the western world, the “blindness of love” may not necessary lead to marriage. It may not even lead to babies and there is no problem with that position. In fact western society does not frown on non-married people let alone those who do not have babies. But one thing is certain in either culture; the passion of a sexual moment will lead to babies especially when precaution goes out of the window. One of my favourite Congolese saying is “Love is like a baby: it needs to be treated tenderly”; this is because sometimes Love and babies literally go hand in hand. You may call it love-making but trust me babies will soon join the party.

You don’t need to be married to make babies and sometimes even when you marry and you want to be unmarried; you certainly can not get off the marriage carriage. But when you become a dad, there is no turning back on that one, especially if you really understand that traditions of the African society.

Being a dad is a big thing in most African traditions as it is one sure way that qualifies you to be accepted into the fraternity of Elders in an African village. In the Akan tradition of Ghana in West Africa, when your mates visit you when you have had a baby they are likely to say to you “wo ye bema” which means “you have proved that you are a man” It is a mark to show that you have arrived. In fact it is really epitomised in the saying that a ripe melon falls by itself. Nothing can give you an immediate qualification from a boy to a man than to see that; here you are! You are a daddy! Your lack of experience and failure to appreciate the dynamics of adult life will not make anyone look at you with pitiful eyes.

Once you are a father, you are a father and immediately you ought to be treated as an adult. Some may have become a daddy in the heat of the moment but as the Africans say “The frown on the goats’ face will not prevent if from being taken to the market” It is like signing your warrant for adulthood. If you made that bed then you must lie on it. There is no turning back neither is there any escape. In fact to the point that in a countries like UK and US, the government takes such acts of making babies and the responsibility that comes with it so serious that, if you fail in executing your financial role as a responsible father, they can make sure that any money you earn will get an automatic deduction towards caring for the child that you fathered.

But the fact still remains that fatherhood may not just be a position that one obtains by playing any biological role. There have been instances where people become fathers by adoption, or stepfathers, foster fathers or even a Cuckolded father - where child is the product of the mother's adulterous relationship. Whichever road you take to become a father, the expectations are always the same. Remember the only constant in all of these different types of fathers is You and that little Child who looks up to you as his or her first real Model.

I read in the Washington Post that in Africa “it is customary for a Masai man who is sleeping with another man's wife to plant his spear outside the other man's hut during such lovemaking (not that I condone this action). This practice stems from the fact that the Masai do not place great emphasis on biological fatherhood of children and make no distinction between adopted children and those born within the family. All are welcome and perfectly legitimate. A Masai man's spear bears ornamental patterns indicating the circumcision group of its bearer, the deeds he has performed and his personal identification mark. The planting of the spear outside the hut during lovemaking is a public acknowledgement of the union and an expression of the couple's acceptance of the social responsibility of the act. Irrespective of how you became a father, either biological, adoption, or even social father, the role of a father remains one of the most supreme task that any African man can be given the honour of becoming.

Being a biological daddy is a proud day for any man, even those who were not prepared for it. This is one of those rarest moments that you get to feel like a man. The feeling is even more intense if you ever get the chance to be in the delivery ward to see it all happen before your eyes.

For most women, the Ethiopian saying that “woman without a man is like a field without seed” really comes alive when they have a baby to show what seed the man has been planting at night. To these women true fulfilment of the relationship goes beyond enjoying each other’s company to having the evidence of a baby. Women attach great importance to having babies and men ought to really know that fact.

The Africans say “If you want to see the underwear of your mother-in law, you give her a farm on a hilltop” What can we say! Mother-in-laws’ can sometimes be a torment. For some men, they have to prove to their mother-in-laws’ that being with their daughter was not the wrong move, so the pressure to give the mother-in-law a grandchild to hush her up becomes more intense. Among Africans sometimes this pressure can come from your own folks. In Africa, all children are welcome and nothing gives your parents satisfaction than to know that they have grand children to play with and you had a role to play in it.

It is every man’s worse nightmare if the pressure is on to have babies and you simply cannot produce. “Babies are NOT like Mangoes that you can pluck off a tree” God has designed it so and no man can change that arrangement. African men usually cannot escape the harsh realities that their bedroom adventures must yield babies especially when they are married or else they could easily be seen as not “real men”.

Some men can let such frustrations drive them to extreme action or even exhibit anger at the slightest provocation. But I believe that REAL MEN do not let such pressures dictate how they build their relationship. Like they say in Africa “Rain may beat a leopards’ skin but it does not wash out the spots” You ought to know inside of you that you are a real man first then father second. You come from African lineage of warriors, hunters and heroes so do not give up one day when you come from the farm with no game.

Every fool can be a father but it takes a real man to become a real father. Real men have nothing to do with reproductive abilities.

One important thing God rightly took away from men was that; no man can decide what sex their baby will be at conception. On that basis you must learn the first important thing you can do for your little baby is to accept the baby for whatever sex that she or he is and love him or her irrespective. The universal truth is that every baby is beautiful as one cannot get anything on the face of the planet that can really depict innocence as a baby. Be it boy or girl, whether deformed or not, whether healthy or very sick. Babies are never responsible for any part of their formation; they simply are what God gave you.

A real African man must understand this truth and disregard any preconceived thoughts about the level of love to shower on the baby because of its sex. African men have a huge tendency to want to have a boy as they believe the masculinity of the baby gives them an added star for their “night battles”. This simply is not true. A beautiful relationship can be built with any child be it girl or boy.

One of the people that I admire most is a Ghanaian family friend in Scotland. He has lived in the UK for over twenty years and to see his children full of love for their country even though they were all born here and grew up here is just lovely. They love and understand everything about the Ghanaian culture to the point where you will think they grew up in Africa. That, I believe is the true beauty of raising African children in the UK by a great dad. I believe that it is important that the father knows every side of his child or children in order to form a close relationship at the same time guiding him towards understanding where he or she comes from. I believe the African father raising a child in this country ought to show how proud he is of his culture and teach that to their children as they grow.

The craft to make it beautiful lies in the hands of the father. For every beautiful pot there was always the master potter whose skill in guiding the formation of the pot become clear after it has been finished. No-one has the power to foresee the future of their child. But generally the rule is that if you put in more effort to nurturing your child to become great you will have wonderful children. It may not necessarily be true all the time but that is the exception to the rule. I love this comment made by one contributor from Africa to BBC’s Forum website “Parenting is a vital stage in the development of one's life. Dads revive the home, give strength, warmth and respect to their family. A Dad is always needed and is greatly missed when he is absent. I just love my dad, dads are phenomenal” This just captures it so succinctly. That is what the real African dad should expect from his child.

The early stages of being a father can be daunting, believe you me, it really can be. I was overwhelmed as the silence in the house was broken for good. Make no mistake when babies are born, they cry and if you are lucky enough to have twins or triplets just multiply that by two or three. But take consolation in this famous African truth too “the child that will not allow his parents to sleep through the night must be prepared to stay awake himself” It is a stage that will pass and as they grow into children that you can play with and they start to mutter the words “DADDY” it will all be worth it.

Babies help to complete the family and as they say “A family is like a forest, when you are outside it is dense, when you are inside you see that each tree has its place” Never underestimate the power of a baby’s smile when you are very angry and in rage. There is no guile in their laughter or smiles. Babies have a role to play in making relationships healthy if they are seen as innocence that needs appreciation and fragility that needs protection and love. Sometimes the tension in a relationship can be eased when the attention is not on each other’s ego but rather to watch the little one grow.

Babies mean that the relationship is going to the next level and for all those hopeful dads out there: Yes! there will be breaks on sex when the baby comes for most women at the initial stages. In fact what once used to be the man’s favourite play thing will now serve a purpose of the baby’s feeding. The Guineans have a wise saying that “a child can play with the mother’s breast but not its father’s testicles”.

A father should always be seen as the head of the family and that must come across in how you protect your family and care for them. The father needs not to be feared but rather respected and as a father you will really determine what kind of respect you receive based on your actions. For those who have gone through the early experience of being a new dad, you could even become jealous when you get no “night battles” for so long and attention moves to the baby. If you get caught in the drama of your emotions you could easily miss the beauty of watching a child grow. Babies don’t come with manual’s so you have to pretty much learn on the job and you need to have the passion to learn or else you will give up or become bad. Your creativity as a dad will define great moments and birth the most amazing responses from your baby.

Aldous Huxley once said “Every man's memory is his private literature” My recommendation is take photo’s lots of them as they are growing and have memories. Make memories, lots of them, In this day and age that you can pick up digital camera’s you can always hold so much memories and revisit them when you want or perhaps indulge yourself with a camcorder and record live moments. Believe me; you will treasure it when they are not babies anymore. Enjoy babies; they are lovely to watch as they grow.

It is a wonderful experience to be a dad and as an African dad, the challenge is very unique too. In a recent opinion poll by BBC on absent fathers they had a comment by a reader (Paul J. Somah,) in Liberia saying “In Liberia we can't call a group of people a family if they don't have a father” The western society has associated the lawlessness of most African teenagers to absent fathers and to be fair the statistics does support that position very much. In essence the collective thinking is that most African kids will either grow up to be gangsters, rappers, and drug pushers. Such is the reality of what the society is beginning to accept as normal.

I believe very much in the old Guinean saying that “One camel does not make fun of the other camel's hump” The Asian youth have to fight extra hard to beat off the wrong label that may easily be associated to them as terrorists, based on how they dress and act or how they remain devout to their religion. In the same vein, blacks have to fight off the labelling of their kids with being associated with street crimes and gun culture. The battle has never been for the government, hence they cannot win it.

It is a battle for all African fathers to fight to ensure that they give their children the best upbringing so they can grow to be responsible, law abiding and peace loving adults. It is when all Africans look after our own that we can have a society where black kids can stand, growing up with the knowledge that they can do anything and be anybody they want to be in life. We have had some illustrious sons of Africa who need no introduction to the world as they took their place in history. People like; Kwame Nkrumah who brought Independence to Ghana, Nelson Mandela who stood against apartheid and got it abolished and Kofi Annan of Ghana, whose skill in diplomacy was witnessed by the world in recent times. The world knows that we are very capable as Africans.

Three years ago not many people knew Barrack Obama, however when he quickly rose to become an American Presidential Candidate, he has given great inspiration to most African- Americans and Africans all over the world. It is interesting to note that this American presidential Candidate had a Kenyan as his biological father. However, as Barack has become huge so has the media digging of his family which has brought to the fore that his African Dad (who is dead) was a polygamist.

In fact in January 2007 the Mail on Sunday printed a story “Mr Obama's 40-year-old cousin Said Hussein Obama told The Mail on Sunday:"Clearly, Barack has been very deeply affected by what he has learned about his father, who was my father's older brother. "You have to remember that his father was an African and in Africa, polygamy is part of life.”We have assured Barack that his father was a loving person but at times it must be difficult for him to reconcile this with his father's drinking and simultaneous marriages."

The Latin’s say “Gloria est consequenda” - Glory must be sought after! Any dad be it African or non African, cannot escape this truth. We create everyday in the lives of our children the glory that will ultimately crown our life in the future. If you create a beautiful one, you will reap it. Because we all cannot predict where our children will end in life, it is important that we give them a great example so that the success stories of their lives will not be told with the failures of our lives as fathers