Fathering mistakes
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- Category: Blog Tuesday - Mrunal
A recent article on the BBC website was reporting on the Home Front report which surveyed 1,017 parents. The article noted that some of the findings of the report illustrated that fathers are working longer hours and becoming "disengaged" from their children, that inflexible and stressful jobs are leaving parents racked with guilt and increasingly distant from their children and that a third of fathers in the UK work more than 48 hours a week, compared with a quarter of men without children.
Apparently one-in-eight fathers work more than 60 hours a week, and typically, fathers increase their hours after their youngest child reaches the age of six. Many parents surveyed said they felt guilty about working so much, a feeling that got worse as children got older, and felt they were less effective parents to their second or third child than their first.
It’s an interesting study that got me thinking about fathering and the workplace. There are times in everyone’s career where working long hours just has to be done either because of a particular deadline or simply to bring in enough money that month. But I wonder if it’s also compounded by mistaken thought patterns that actually just need to change for the sake of our families. Here’s a few mistakes I or others I know have made…
The priority mistake is made by dads who simply have the wrong priorities in life. Their work is in number one slot and their wife and children are further down the pecking order. To update an old cliche, no-one on their death bed says that they wished they had sent a few more emails or worked an extra shift. Sometimes it’s a certain standard of living thats in the wrong priority place. If it’s a choice between more time with you or more toys in the cupboard very few children would choose the toys.
The habit mistake is made when we get into a big project and put in the extra hours. But then one project rolls into the next and suddenly those extra hours become normal hours. I’ve made this mistake in the past year and made a conscious decision as we start 2011 to get back to something more sustainable.
The culture mistake is made when we take a job in a place that has a ‘workaholic culture’. Instead of challenging it we simply fit in and try to keep up. Your kids need you to say ‘no’.
The big-day mistake is made when we forget that kids can cope with us coming back late and going in early every now and again, but not when we’ve made them a promise or it’s a ‘big-day’ (like a birthday or school event). I’ve found that it’s critical for my wife and kids to know that I’ve made space for it in my diary where possible and I’m not having to rely on my wife to nag and remind me. They love mum to be there, but there’s something special when ‘dad’s here!!’
The take-away mistake is made when we make a habit of bringing work home regularly. A friend of mine’s dad was often home but it didn’t matter because he was always working. In fact it was worse because they had to tiptoe around because he didn’t want to be disturbed. Better to get in the habit of staying a little later or going a little earlier and drawing a boundary so that work stays at work.
The mobile mistake is made when the mobile rules the roost. My wife and kids used to get so frustrated because although I was present in the room, I was forever tapping a ‘quick’ text or email on the iphone. Dinner would be interrupted with a call regularly. A word from my three year old son one day changed it. The iPhone is a wonderful servant but a terrible master!
I'm sure there are others, but these are the common mistakes I’ve seen either in my own life or others. How about you?
