DadTalk

Healthy anger

I was walking through the park once and saw a man with a dog. Not just an ordinary dog, this was an ANGRY dog. Man, was it angry. Barking and snarling at everything around, it’s owner with great strain just about keeping it on the lease. 

Comparably, a few weeks ago I saw a woman with around 10 dogs on leads out on a walk. Each dog behaved impeccably and moved together with the handler as one. The contrast was stark. In one case a single dog’s anger had been left unchecked over years and had created an out of control savage. In the other, ten dogs had been carefully raised and trained and even though each had the power to cause utter chaos in the pack, they controlled themselves and the whole group benefitted.

So it is with men and anger. Some men dominate and control their families with their mishandling of anger. Others squash anger down and experience negative side effects another way. Clearly we guys have some work to do when it comes handling our emotions, and particularly our anger. 

So what methods can we use to express anger healthily?

Firstly, we have to allow ourselves to feel emotion. We have to walk away from the lie that ‘big boys don’t have emotions’ that perhaps we bought into when we were told ‘don’t be a cry baby’ or ‘big boys don’t cry’. Emotions are not the realm of women and children - healthy dads feel!

Secondly, we need to recognise which emotion we are feeling. The key to a mature emotional life is found in knowing what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it. This can be hard for guys who often operate today out of how they were feeling a month ago! Nevertheless, it’s a critical skill to learn.

I found that reviewing at the end of the day how I felt that day got me closer to reality. Practicing this helped me learn to recognise which emotion I was feeling. It sounds, and is, clunky at first but it works. We have of course to exercise self control. Once I’m aware that I’m feeling angry, I can’t just start shouting the house down. Shouting when you’re angry is sometimes appropriate - but for many dads it’s the only tool in the toolbox.

If a guy came to fix your car and brought only a hammer with him, you’d question him. If his response was ‘that’s the only tool I need’ you’d find new mechanic fast!

Once I get in touch with how I’m feeling, have decided that I’m not going to live as an exploder, somatizer, self punisher or passive aggressive, I’ve got to decide how I am going to express my anger!

But the road is now open for a healthy emotional life and a healthy way of relating to our families. And whatever you model, your kids will surely copy. If you don’t like the atmosphere your dad created in the home, then it’s time to make some changes so that your kids don’t become the next casualty.