So, you are having a baby and you have planned everything down to the last detail. The day

arrives when your bundle of joy is here and now is the time to live happily ever after.

But...

Mum has the baby blues, is tired, and keeps crying. The midwife tells you this is a normal hormonal response and she will get better. You wait -- first one day, then one week, then one month. You feel guilty -- you need to be functioning at work and cannot cope with coming home to find her sitting there amongst the housework, with the baby crying. She is not eating or sleeping. She says she cannot cope, she says she regrets becoming a mum. You say, pull yourself together, get out more, go and have a nap and I’ll look after the baby. She doesn’t pull herself together or go out. You feel powerless to help and frustrated.

Why is she like this? Why isn’t she happy?

The answer could be a condition called Postnatal Depression (PND). PND is a collection of symptoms typically presenting any time in the first year following childbirth, and it affects at least one new mother in every ten. It can come on gradually or all of a sudden, and can range from being relatively mild to very hard-hitting. The symptoms are often individualised and effect women in different ways and some can be extremely frightening.

No one truly knows what causes PND, but there is treatment and support available. There is no need to cope alone.

PND is not only a distressing condition, it's a serious and disabling one, which can be nipped in the bud if it's spotted early. It can be hugely reassuring to both you and your partner to know what's wrong. If PND isn't acknowledged and addressed, it's likely to last longer and be more severe than it need be, and this can affect the relationship between mother and baby. Mothers need help, but they may need encouragement to seek it, and support in getting it. Feeling reluctant to ask for help is part of the problem. Help her to find someone to talk to in depth, and reassure her that she is not going mad and that she will get better. Make sure she knows that you will support her, and not abandon her.

It is important to acknowledge that it can be difficult and frustrating to live with someone who has PND and you should be prepared to seek help from wherever you can, both for yourself and for your partner.

Practical steps include helping her to get enough food, rest, and exercise. Try to ensure that she doesn't spend much time alone to cope with the baby. A sense of isolation can be the most stressful aspect of mothering. Now is the time to call in favours from friends and family and to seek professional help. Your health visitor or GP are good people to start off the chain of support. You may have to make that first move yourself but be assured you are not alone. If one in ten new mothers experience PND, that also means one in ten new fathers face this challenge.

Top tips – coping with PND

If you think your wife/partner may be suffering from Postnatal depression, don’t feel helpless – there are things you can do:

• Listen. Give her time to talk, both to you and -- if you can look after the baby -- time with female friends who may be able to support her.  She needs to feel free to express her feelings and fears. Give her the space to do this, even if it means keeping your mouth shut.
• Get help. You can’t do this on your own. Professional help is available – from speaking to the health visitor, calling NHS Direct for advice (0845 4647), or taking your wife to see the GP.  It will also help greatly if you can be with her when she sees health professionals to explain what is happening as she may find it very difficult.Help also means calling in favours from grandparents, friends, and neighbours. You may need meals, cleaning, or help with baby and other children. Don’t go it alone.
• Be reassuring. Remind her that PND is treatable. Tell her she is not a failure, you will be there with her, and you will find a way through this time. You may not have a solution – men do like to ‘fix’ things -- but giving her hugs and being reassuring can be just enough to help her through another day.
• Get informed. Check out the web for PND information, find out what the common symptoms are, how long they may last, and what treatments are available. Knowledge is power.
• Take it one day at a time. Remember: With the right help and support, this time will pass. There will be good days and bad days, but take each as it comes. Celebrate and enjoy the good days; reassure and support on the bad days.
• Be practical. What can you do to support your wife and baby? Could you get up in the night or do some extra cleaning, meal preparation, or food shopping? Try asking your wife what she would like. Prompt her with some of these suggestions if she can’t come up with anything and use your eyes: look around - what needs doing? Something little like changing your sheets & giving your bedroom a tidy-up can make for a better night’s sleep.
• Talk. Share your concerns with trusted friends or family members. It’s good for you and it will let them know what is happening so they can offer to help...and when they do, please say yes!
• Keep calm and carry on. As tough as this sounds when it feels like life is falling apart, your wife needs you to be strong, and your baby needs to be cared for.
• Take time out. If you work, find out what leave you may be entitled to with a new baby. The DirectGov website contains up-to-date advice on paternity leave, parental leave, and compassionate leave, which you may be entitled to. With all that is going on, you need extra time, not only to care for your wife and baby but – just as importantly – yourself. Don’t neglect your own needs. You can’t take care of everyone else’s needs if you’re not seeing to your own.