Dadtalk

Good morning all

This is my first post on here and would welcome any advice on what to do.

I have two children aged 8 and 2 from a previous relationship, which I currently see every other weekend which incorporates collecting from school/childminders on Friday to then taking them back there on Monday morning.

My problems are that I am constantly asked to do other pick ups/drop offs often at very short notice by a mother who herself works 5 days a week.

I must stress from the outset that having my children is NOT a chore but the the way in which I am not asked but TOLD that I "have to do this " and I "need to do that " is just not on.

There should be no more importance attached to my job than to hers and surely if I am unable to do what she asks then the responsibility falls to her as the Main Carer for the children. I have expressed my desire to take full responsibility for the children with her then being allowed to concerntrate on her career which has been declined.

All contact with me former partner is via text message, she has on 2 separate occassions stated that she will take the children to my parents a distance of some 140 miles unannounced and that they can look after them.

I am at my wits end and I end up having the children on some occasions it seems under sufferance.

That feels an awful thing to say about the two most important things in my life but feel that they are not seeing their dad at his best. I pay the required amount in respect of maintenance as set out by the CSA so do not shy away from that issue.

I have tried to post this in a calm and constructive manner but inside I am at the lowest point in my life.

I thank you for taking the time to read this and would welcome any advice/suggestions.



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Do you live close to your children? Do you have Parental Responsibility?

You may need to consider establishing a proper contact order but also explore your options of having Shared Residency of your children if she is 'palming' them off onto you or even Residency. If there is no Court Order in force, then it will be upto you and your ex to determine what is in the best interest of your children. Your 8 year old will be able to tell you where they would be comfortable living. Suffice to say, your children need both parents.

If your ex is continually 'palming' the kids off, it makes me wonder how she looks after them when they are in her care and whether she has any time for them. She is obviously prepared to travel 140 miles to 'drop the kids off'.

Families need Fathers ( www.fnf.org.uk ) advocate Shared Residency, I suggest you look them up, you need not have 50:50 contact, it's whatever you both feel comfortable with. A sacrifice needs to be made somewhere to ensure you can both care for your children. Separation affects children in different ways. You both have a responsibility for that and the effect that your behaviour has towards them. Judge's are usually reluctant to disturb the 'status quo' of residency (which I think is unfortunate) as children are quite adaptable but they also need stability and security. Do your ground work before springing any surprises to your 8 year old and your ex.

Hope this helps

Hi Revolve 1,

Firstly thank you for sharing your story - it sounds like an awful place you're in - I really hear you when you talk about the lowest place, thanks for being so honest... its so tough when it affects the things most dear to us - our kids!!

It sounds like communication between the two of you is really tough. Is there any chance you could get a meeting together, even with a third party you both agree to, to try and sort some of these issues out or just set up a system of who looks after the kids when? I have some friends who have just split up and got an older couple they both know to sit down with them and mediate the conversation... Its been really tough but they have at least been able to communicate face-to-face? I realize this might not be an option but it sounds like the key pressure point is the pick up's and so at least being able to get a calendar of who needs to cover what when, could help you both? I also wondered if this was a holidays thing too with the comments about dropping them at your parents? Are there play schemes or something that could help out?

Hope these are helpful - do get back and happy to chat / brainstorm more ideas.

I've also asked our friends over at the Children's Legal Centre to respond too, since as Jools points out there may be some legal solutions. However, its never simple and so i'd encourage you to keep going - your kids need you in their lives!

Buzz

Dear Revolve1,

Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre, an independent charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people.

It appears to be quite a difficult situation that you are in. As the resident parent of your children the mother does have the right and the ability to control the contact that you have with them.
However she can not force you to have them at a certain time, but if you refuse she can make future contact difficult for you. The mother should act only in accordance with what she believes to be in the children’s best interests.

You do have the right to refuse to collect the children if you are not able to do so, and the mother would have to make alternative arrangements, however she is able to be difficult with the contact that you do have.

The first thing that should always be done is to attempt to negotiate with the other parent and try to come to an agreement, perhaps scheduling when each of you should collect the children.
Mediation may be useful for helping you both come to an agreement on this. The contact number for National Family Mediation is 01392 271610. The mother does not have to agree to attend any meeting, but it is always advisable to suggest this to try and exhaust all non legal options.

The main problem with an agreement, even one made in mediation or using solicitors, is that it is not legally binding and can be changed by either party at any time.

If this suggestion is unsuccessful or the mother refuses then you have the option of making an application to court if you wish to do so.
There are various orders that you could apply for, the most likely would be for contact, residence or shared residence.

A contact order is an order that states the times and days you are to see the children. Anything outside of these days and times would need to be agreed by yourself and the mother, so it may be advisable if you wish to apply for this order to ask that holidays and other such times are also provided for.
A contact order is almost always granted unless there are real concerns for the safety of your children, as it is thought best that children see both parents.

A residence order is an order stating with which parent the children should live. The court are generally reluctant to alter children’s living arrangements without real reasons for doing so as it is thought disruptive and sometime upsetting for children. However if there is good reason the court will do this if they feel it is in the children’s best interests.

A shared residence order is an order stating that the children live with both of you in amounts thought appropriate by the courts. In some cases this can be a 50/50 split of time, or one week with each parent etc. It can also be that shared residence is granted as a status, but one parent will remain the primary carer whilst the other will have regular contact as set by the court.
The court will often grant this order if they feel it is appropriate and practical to do so.

It will be for you to decide which of these orders, if any, you wish to apply for. For all of the above orders you are able to act for yourself or instruct a solicitor. To act for yourself the relevant form (it is the same form for each of the above orders) is the C100. This is downloadable from www.hmcs.gov.uk and the guidance for making these applications is available in forms CB1 and CB3 from the same website.

The application is filed at court and there is a filing fee of £175 if you are not using a solicitor. The court will send a copy of the papers to the mother and she will be in court and able to put her views across also.
There may be several court appearances and reports made by outside authorities, such as CAFCASS, following which the court will make their decision based on what they believe to be best for your children.

Any court order will be legally binding and if this is breached by the mother without your prior agreement you are able to apply for enforcement, which may result in her being penalised for the breach.

We hope this information is useful to you. Should you require any further information or assistance please contact our Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help you.

Kind Regards

Children’s Legal Centre

as a matter of interest, if she is expecting you to do something at short notice, and this request is by text, what would she do if you simply didn't respond to the text (you were in a meeting perhaps). I agree with the above that if you start to refuse, then your ex could make things much more difficult for you (the contact arrangements you have sound very civilised and fair, and you don't want to jeopardise this if you can help it), but your ex is getting to know that she can expect you to drop everything and go running so she doesn't need to make other arrangements. If you force her to make other arrangements because you weren't available, then she would have to have a backup plan if you weren't available in future.