DadTalk

Hi fellow dads.

I have an 8 month old son who I have had to fight my ex to see since he was 3 weeks old, as at that point she decided that she wanted me to have no involvement in his life (she left me when she was pregnant). I missed out on seeing him for 3 months until we went to court and I secured an interim contact order, that was going ok until she claimed I was going to abduct him, so she then suspended contact for a few weeks and we went back to court for her to get a residency order, at the same time we set the contact order with a review date in April to discuss overnight access. Cafcass deemed that there was no risk of abduction, but that it would help her mental state to give her the residency order.

Now, shortly after Christmas she suspended contact again, out of the blue, this time claiming that I am harassing her because I sent her an email asking if she had had our son Christened! I have had my solicitor write to court and we have sought a directions hearing from the family court which is in a few days time. Our solicitors have been exchanging letters back and forth as I have been trying to re-establish contact but they are refusing unless I agree to 4 variations to the contact order, one of which is impossible for me due to work commitments.

However, I have lost contact with my solicitor 5 days ago and they haven't returned any of my emails or calls! I asked them to write to the other side on the 7th in response to their last letter, which I'm still not sure if they have done or not! I'm very frustrated by this as I don't get legal aid and this large, local, firm has already had over £3k of my money. On Monday I am thinking of telling them that I will be representing myself in court on Wednesday and that their services are no longer needed. I feel that they've left me in an awkward position without time to secure another firm, but hopefully all I need to say in court is that I'm there because the order has been broken and I'd like it re-instating with immediate effect?

I haven't harassed her at all, so I have nothing to worry about there. Any suggestions? Am I right to go it alone or should I use my solicitor for Wednesday then get rid afterwards?

Hi and welcome to the forum

Looking through your situation, I think if I was in your position, I would be inclined to dispense with your solicitor after the hearing this week, but I'd also check their complaints procedure and put in a complaint about why they haven't been responding to your mails.

I just thought I'd provide an update on what happened but also request a bit more advice! I decided to represent myself and I'm glad I did. My ex's position was that she wanted to reduce my midweek contact on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2 hours to 1 hour and that I would also have to both pickup and drop off, (usually she did half), which meant with travel time I would have him at my property for around 40 minutes. I didn't think this was fair on my son and I refused to agree. The magistrates also felt this was unfair and asked if my ex would be willing to make the time up to me at the weekend. I'm currently meant to have him for 4 hours on Saturdays and 4 hours alternate Sundays. Her solicitor advised that from the feedback from the magistrates they felt they would be able to reach an agreement..

30 minutes later we go back into court and her (legal aid) solicitor advises that not only is she not willing to make the time up at the weekend but that she is suspending all contact until the contested hearing - some 6 weeks away! At this point, my ex and her solicitor have an argument in the middle of the court room.

My ex ends up agreeing to allow the weekend contact to resume (from today), but that we'd have the contested hearing in 6 weeks regarding the midweek contact. She is putting him to bed at 6pm apparently, so with his 2 hour nap in the day our 8.5 month old son is supposedly having 16.5 hours sleep per day....

Well, yesterday my ex-texted me with a huge list of demands threatening to suspend the weekend contact, which she has now done. She claims she is worried that he won't settle for his 2 hour nap whilst in my care, so she instead offered me just 2 hours contact instead of 4. I have refused. I'm not 100% that this was the best idea, I've already missed out on around 50% of my sons life, it's just I feel I have to take some sort of stand. She is walking all over me and has been in breach of the contact order since Jan 19th.

Now I have to prepare a position statement for the contested hearing, any pointers?

hi Regnix

OK, bear in mind that I'm not an expert, the following is my opinion based on the fact that I can look at things a little more objectively than you. One thing I would suggest is that you never, ever reply immediately to a text or email from your ex unless there is a good reason why you have to do so. Whenever I used to get texts from my ex, I always used to formulate a reply, and then show it to my wife for her opinion, that way I never sent a text that I would regret later on, and sometimes I didn't reply at all.

With regards to the text your ex has sent, and your reply, I would seriously consider sending another text along the lines of "Sorry, I was a bit quick to react to your last text, I would love to have my son for the 2 hours you are suggesting".

The reasons are:
1. Saying "sorry" shows that you were angry (and rightly so) but have had time to reconsider and you are doing what's best for you and your son.
2. Any contact is better than no contact at all
3. You are showing that you are not cutting off your nose to spite your face

What you have to consider, aside the effect that cutting contact will have on your son, even for a short while, is that all of this is going to go before a court. Their first consideration is the welfare of your son, so if you can show them evidence (ie the full text conversations) that your first priority is your son, then it's going to make your case much stronger - just consider how a judge would react seeing your ex's text, and then seeing your text and the one above - your first text is understandable, the text above will show that you are behaving as they would like. One of the things you have to do from now on is to be whiter than white in your dealings with your ex, and that way either she will start to behave reasonably, or she'll dig a big hole for herself in court, aand either way you and your son win.

Now you are representing yourself, we are able to ask our legal experts from CCLC to offer advice if you have any legal questions, and hopefully yoji will pop on at some point to give advice with your statements.

Thanks actd. All my emails & texts to my ex have been civil, so I have nothing to worry about there. Unfortunately, the way she phrased it was by asking if I agreed to have only 2 hours instead of 4, to which I said no (hastily), but they she advised that contact was suspended and withdrew the offer anyway. Last night and this morning she has been emailing me trying to get me to go through to her flat to discuss matters face to face as she is desperate to not go back to court. I have refused, but I have suggested that we go to mediation (she stormed out last time), or a public place. I also suggested that we could have a "round table" discussion at her solicitors, she has ignored all of these and keeps pressuring me to attend her property. I've told her no and asked her not to ask me again.

My solicitor has sent me a letter confirmed that my account with them has been closed, but they have also provided me with a draft index for the Trial Bundle, which I'm sure will be handy. They suggested I could write to the magistrates and have them instruct the otherside to put the trial bundle together - or i could ask them directly myself, which I think I might do tomorrow.

I have a question though, in court on Wednesday we agreed that weekend contact would be reinstated and a contested hearing was set for 6 weeks from now regarding midweek contact. The weekend contact has now been suspended by my ex (2 days after agreeing it in court!), do I have to wait for the contested hearing in April (which is the first 3 hour slot they have), or should I seek an emergency directions hearing before then? Would there be any benefit to that as it's already contested?

Hi Regnix,

Hope i can be of some help here.

The main factor at this point is that your Son is still under 1year of age, and like it or not but Courts are very often unwilling to take the extra step. In fact up until 1year Courts very often recommend contact being little and often especially if they are being breastfed.

Have you managed to have your midweek contact re-instated to Tues and Thursday for 2hrs? In my opinion you need to be prepared to give a little to gain a little here. Based on what you have said your main priority here needs to be to secure an Order. In so doing, you will have a "Contract" on what has been Ordered/Agreed.

At present, what if any Contact do you have that actually appears within a Court Order?

Also have you written your Position Statement yet?