Dadtalk

We at Dadtalk recently received at email from a dad who has an 8 year old child from a previous marriage. He wanted to ask our thoughts on his situation which we gave him. However we know that many of you divorced and separated dads face the same issue so suggested to him that we start this thread explaining his situation so you can pass on your pearls of wisdom. He agreed and is allowing us to post the content of his email...

What's the problem? Getting time with the child is worth every mile, every penny. Its about investing in her, not getting back at an x wife.

I would like to say to the guy, please don't get hung up on equality or fairness. Make it all about your child. It say drop her off so I'm assuming it's a girl. If thats true then you have the PERFECT opportunity to show her that your love is such that you will literally go that extra mile for her to express your determination to be part of her life, her worth to you. As you drive there and back think about the fact that you are proving to her your love - you are literally putting it in to practise. Of course i'm not saying don't talk to your x about it but maybe take it from a financial perspective.."i have no problem coming over but with the cost of petrol as it is i was wondering if we could discuss the travel arrangements..."

And may i add in doing the drive you are being the more mature parent, which has got to make you feel good too!!!

Hi all,

I am the divorced driver in question and the reason I posed the question was that I have recently been asked to up my maintenance, as I began a new job recently and thats not a problem. My concern was being taken for a ride yet again...

I guess I am not alone in giving everything but the clothes on my back to the ex, but this obviously leaves me in a poor position going forward. When I was going through my divorce I also was made redundant, I got a nice pay off and this went to putting a deposit down on a flat for myself to rent, paying off some debts we accrued whilst married and also paying my ex £5000 for a years maintenance, her sols fees and mine, aswell as giving her all the proceeds from the sale of the marital home - £70k+ and £10k in bonds.

So I started again with no job and little money - I am STILL paying off some debts from this marriage and its 7 years since I left! Money is tight and will be for at least the next three years until I get all paid off... I have as I say, another £80 per month to find re maintenance..

My ex is still always trying to score points against me and I have to fight to see my daughter anytime outside of my fortnightly visits... she is still bitter and twisted after the divorce and yet I have moved on and have a second wife who my daughter adores.

I just didnt want to be seen to be rolling over yet again, when I have come so far... totally prepared to do whatever it takes to see my little one, as she is my whole world. PS I used to drive down from Yorkshire to Sussex every 4 weeks to see her and had to stay in hotels but moved south to help in that regard which has made a huge difference!

PS Should I be on a specific tax code as I am paying maintenance or does it not matter?

All the very best to you all and good luck.

Hi

Being the 'Mature one' (see reply from freerunner) is not easy. Well done to you for moving on & taking the plunge with your second wife - also sounds like you have really made an effort with your daughter to keep up the relationship.

Your tax code should be the same paying maintenance - think it might only change if you are behind on payments & they are trying to collect back-maintenance from you directly. But from what you have said, sounds like you are keeping up with the payments...it is tough going though. I am still learning to communicate with my ex, it sometimes seems easier to argue but mostly we are just covering old ground. I am working to stay clear of topics that might lead to a disagreement.

Someone told me that car conversations are great for teenagers - they don't have to look at you while discussing tricky subjects, they also can't run away so they are a bit of a captive audience...might be useful for the years to come?