DadTalk

Creating your own family culture

It can be worthwhile talking about how your family works, what things are most important and defining your family culture

Many years ago our family started on the journey towards fostering. At the time, a social worker suggested we sit down as a ‘family’ to talk out our family rules & culture. Before we invited other children to join us, it was important to know what our ‘family culture’ was.

It made for quite a fascinating evening - at the time our children were aged between about 4 and 6. ‘Family Rules’ according to the children covered things like: no biting, no scratching, no kicking, no hitting, no stabbing - a multitude of ways to hurt each other in more & more and more imaginative ways! Once we got past the blood & guts though, it allowed to talk about how our family ‘works’ and how we would need to adapt things to invite other children in to join us.

So what is culture? The word itself is from Latin and means ‘to cultivate.’ Wikipedia defines it as ‘the set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterise an institution, organisation or group’.

As the Dad (and consequently one of the adults in the family) you have the authority to create your own culture. The DadTalk article ‘A Father’s Vision’ talks about leaving an inheritance for your children and creating a vision for your family - if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. A culture is not meant to be a static unchangeable thing - if you cultivate a piece of ground you can create a beautiful garden, but if you just leave it cultivate itself, it is more likely to become a mess of weeds & thistles.

Think about the culture you want to cultivate for your family - use these questions to help you process ‘who you are’ and the direction you want for your family’s culture.

Are you and your partner born & bred in the town you are now living or have you travelled from further away? Do you have a different ethnic culture - is this something you develop and grow or something you want to leave behind? If you don’t know much about your ethnic culture, is this something you want to research and pass onto your children?

Do your kids think ‘fun’ when they see Daddy or are they trying to keep out of your way? If you go out to work, do you come home with all the stress of the day (kids will pick up on this from really early on), or can you shake it off & spend quality time with them? Do you want your kids to know you or fear you?

Are you a couch potato? Do you want to raise healthy kids who know which foods are good to eat and how to get outside and kick a football around?

In any group of people there will be leaders and followers - some families give the impression that the kids are in charge whilst the parents run around trying to meet their every need. If you want to be the leader, you need to take up that mantle and develop an effective leadership style.

Do you know what you believe? There is a saying ‘if you don’t believe in something, you will believe in anything.’ At some point your kids are going to ask the sticky questions - ‘How was the world made?’ ‘Do you believe in God?’ ‘What happens when we die?’ You may not know the answers to these questions, but it does help if you have at least thought about them before the kids ask! As a family do you want a faith culture? If so, how will you cultivate this?

What do you think about lying, stealing, swearing - do you want your kids to do these? (Hint: if not, watch what you do not just what you say they should do!) Is it important to say ‘sorry’ when someone has done something to hurt someone else? Do you want to create a family that communicates and really connects with each other - are you making time to achieve all this?

All families are different but here are some family traditions you might like to start:

• Make a point of having an evening meal together - start young & keep at it.
• Family meetings - perhaps once a week, set rules for who can talk, discuss upcoming events, family rules, and grievances, involve your kids in decision making.
• Christmas/holiday traditions - do you dress up as Santa each year?
• Thanksgiving - not just for Americans, this can be a time to spend together & be thankful for all you have and each other.
• Movie nights - just hang out together on the sofa with a bowl of popcorn.
• Weekend walks - start a habit of walking together, take a dog if you have one.

Do you have a vision for the future? What kind of family life do you want to have? Are you living with your partner & children (and do you want to keep it that way) or are you separated, a single Dad, part-time Dad - how can you improve your relationship with your children? It is never too late to start - a patch of ground covered in weeds can be cultivated to produce something amazing. It takes time & perseverance - never give up on the future you want for your children.

The lyrics of this song, sung by Alain Clark & his Dad sum up the words we all want to hear someday...

Every time I look at you I see myself

I’m so proud of you

For you have made me what I am

A better man, I’m just so proud of you