Dadtalk

A father thinks out loud - Raising teenagers

It seems dads often feel they have to control their kids in their teenage years. I don't know why mums, teachers and society expect us to...

Dads have been so brainwashed into this being our role, we don’t allow ourselves to think about who can help us and as dads we are so consumed in doing what’s expected, and what’s right, we don’t even think about all the people out there who can help us.

Now some of you are so mild-mannered and put-together, you wouldn’t get upset even in the event of your last piece of chicken dropping out of your plate, Me? I get upset when my car won’t crank, when I stumble over some shoes in the sitting room or in the hallway. At times, I forget to and do the same. But what is so annoying is when your kids replicate what they see, and that is irritating. You hate to see your worst in someone you love. I might be patriarchal when I say this, but dads itch to have sons and daughters. Dads love their daughters and sons too, but the crunch comes when they all demand space and justice.

The TV programme you love watching becomes replaced with what they want to watch: Nicolodean! I wish they were shareholders in the company! As my daughters and my son grow their needs become more and more pronounced, the way they dress to the colors and designs or patterns of what they want to wear. They now make decisions about everything and I get replaced from dad to the cash dispenser or the judge of a fashion show.

Are we dads angry because they won’t listen to us or angry because we remember what we were like when we were their age? We forget. In the process, we lose them, ourselves, and wallow in loneliness. Why? We clam up. We get jealous of mums. Mums sometimes have special relationships with their teenagers, especially their sons. Mums can see us in their sons as they nurture parts of ourselves we try to hide. When dads try to nurture ‘our’ way, we get criticized for being wimps, spineless, whipped. Know what I mean? "Rebel Without a cause" gives one of the most endemic examples of a weak dad trying to control his son. And that’s when we start to lose them. Not when we try to control them, but when we fail to control our actions, or lose sight of the moment.

It’s the ‘moment,’ dads fail to see, as men define their own iconography of fatherhood. Dads are consumed with what will happen to them if they don’t prepare their sons for society. Dads get consumed by the mistakes they’ve made. Focusing on the future and the past keeps dads from realizing that it’s the moment that makes our children so angry.

We ignore their music; we fail to get them to appreciate ours. We get so obsessed with ‘my way’ or the ‘highway,’ that we get left behind to lick our wounds without realizing it’s really about being in the same car. Regardless of where it’s going, it’s about dads, sons and daughters being together. So what do we do? Toward the end of the movie, "Finding Forrester," Forrester talks about friendship and families. He says, "Losing family obliges us to find our family, not always the family that is our blood. But the family that can become our blood." Think about that dads. Though actions speak louder than words, words hurt. So, choose your words carefully.