DadTalk

Helping Your Kids (and yourself) Adjust to University

I work for a church (Hey, come back! I promise not to quote the Bible or call you “brothers and sisters”) and part of my job has been to run the student department of my last two churches. This has involved offering a range of pastoral support to a number of students from all walks of life. I have encountered a variety of different issues being faced by a variety of different students, from the guy who blew all his money in Fresher’s Week, to the girl who was drunk throughout her first year, and to the many that adapted with relative ease to University life.

So, I thought I would list some suggestions as to how the parents of students can help their beloved children to settle quickly into University and avoid some of the common mistakes.

1. Suggest a year out.

This might seem like an odd start and the parents reading this may be thinking “I want my kids to leave, I need a spare room for my train set”, but bear with me. The majority of the students that adapt most quickly to University and seem to have the maturity to cope with all of the options and opportunities are those that took a year out.

A friend of mine went to South America backpacking, another worked in a supermarket; one volunteered in an orphanage in Burundi, and another volunteered in a charity shop. What they do doesn’t matter too much (as long as they do something) but the extra year of experience, maturity and wisdom that they gain on the majority of Freshers is surprisingly useful.

2. Don’t invite them back at the weekends.

I have seen a number of students show up in their new town or city after Fresher’s week (and miss all the fun and bonding with new friends), start lectures and go home as soon as the last lecture is finished on the Friday (or Tuesday, if they are studying English). The temptation to invite the kids home because you miss them, want to do their washing, or because you realise they are homesick (most of them get homesick to some degree) can be overwhelming. However, it is a bad idea and can set them back socially.

Fresher’s week, lectures, and living in University can be quite intimidating, but these things are best navigated head-on. Integrating with a new group of friends is a very important part of adapting to this new life stage and running home at the weekends is not a good way to start.

3. Do call them.

Knowing how much contact your son or daughter may want with you is tough to judge. You may feel that you don’t want to cramp their style, but you may also be worried about their basic hygiene and food consumption.

I suggest that you text fairly regularly and call them slightly less regularly. May I also politely and respectfully suggest that you avoid nagging. If you move the conversation to a friendship level you will find that they may confide in you everything you want to know anyway.

You may well be reading this thinking that this all very well, but your little Darren/Sharon cannot tell the difference between a carrot and a sausage and will live off pizza and curry. If you back off and let them discover that this lifestyle drains their bank account and punishes their bowels, they will soon learn to cook.

I remember one Saturday where I invited a bunch of Fresher guys around to mine and cooked them a basic pasta and tomato dish. Three of these guys gathered around the stove and looked on in genuine awe. One of them quietly muttered, “You are amazing.”

None of them caught scurvy, and they all learnt to cook.

4. Encourage them out of the University Bubble.

The University life can be all-encompassing and provide you with a slightly strange view of the world. If at all possible, encourage your kids to get to know their new town and city outside the confines of the University.

Simple steps like going to non-University pubs and clubs, going out on non-student nights or shopping in a different part of town can really help. Getting a part-time job can also be a good way of developing some good non-student interaction.

In Manchester, where I live currently, and in Birmingham, where I lived until recently, the students move in herds and live in ghettos. There are particular parts of these cities where the students will rent houses after they have lived in University accommodation. These places are noisy, smelly and messy, and the non-students who live there tend to resent the ever-changing student population. So efforts to integrate with the community are usually very much appreciated.

I hope that helps. If you have any questions or comments ask them on this forum topic, and I'll do my best to answer them.