DadTalk

The best laid plans

My wife, Clare, has been back at work for two weeks now leaving me alone and in sole charge of two ankle-biters. We were reasonably confident about my ability to look after both the children and to be honest a week or so before Clare started back I was quite looking forward to the challenge.

I had it all planned out – I had timetables thought through, I had lists of activities sorted and I had menus planned out. Two weeks into the experiment I can report that it has been utter mayhem. Not a single plan that I had devised has come to fruition.

The key element of the plan was the timetable. I thought long and hard about how I should spend my time parenting the two kids. I wanted to create a weekly routine that have me the holy grail of parenting namely – I wanted some time when just Arun was around, I wanted some time with just Meri, I wanted some time with the three of us together and finally, I wanted just a little time for myself.

To make this happen, we carefully co-ordinated the school and nursery sessions for both kids throughout the week so that I could get the right mix of combinations to get the best use out of our time during the week.

The problem is, that almost immediately after Clare went off to work, Meri got ill and started projectile vomiting everywhere. She had the usual reaction of a baby who has just starting nursery, which, as most parents will know, is to assiduously pick up every single bug, infection and virus going. I am sure that most of you can understand why having a small version of Linda Blair from the Exorcist in the house might disrupt even the best laid plans. Not only was Meri unfit to go into nursery but there was a constant stream of puke to clean up which seemed to suck up most of my spare time.

Those of you more experienced in the ways of parenting will be able to guess what happened next.

Yes, Arun got sick too. So by the end of the first week I had little his and hers versions of Linda Blair from the Exorcist in my house. So now, Arun couldn’t go to nursery either and I had double the amount of barf to be cleaned up. I am sure that you can imagine how pleased I was by this stage.

One Thursday as I wiped up puke from the car (having already cleaned up one cot, the lounge and the hallway that day) I did start to question the wisdom, even the sanity, of my decision to take a year out to “spend more time with the kids”. Sounds good when you say it in the pub to impress people about what a sensitive, modern man you are. Makes less sense when you have to pull on the rubber gloves for the fourth time that day.

It gets even better. By the time the weekend arrived, I was exhausted. Clare dutifully arrived back home and started to muck in. The problem was that by Saturday evening she was sick too and had become a member of the Exorcist clan. By this stage, I thought it best to put a big red cross on our front door with the words “unclean” stamped across it. When we went out, I was tempted to attach bells to the baby buggy so that other unsuspecting people would know to keep clear. Thankfully, by some miracle I managed to remain bug free (call me “Iron-guts”).

The end result, my plans and hopes for being Superdad have been shot to pieces. Thankfully, everyone seems to be better now (it has been three days and counting since the last vomit). I am confident that now that everyone is well again, Arun, Meri and I will rise to the challenge and have a great time together. You see, the thing is, I’ve got this great plan about how it’s all going to work...