Social Fathering AKA I'm proud of you
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- Category: Blog Monday - DadTalk
Mentoring, supporting, coaching, call it what you will and package it how you like; it takes a village to raise a child!
In my early 20’s I was youth worker and met all sort of kids from different backgrounds. When I was in my late 20’s and early 30 I worked with street sleepers and the disadvantaged. These roles may sound very diverse but there was one thread that ran through both, Fathering!
Be it the kids in the youth group or older guys on the street a lot of my conversation over the years would end up focusing on parents and especially dads. One particular conversation really brought home to me the impact that I had in social fathering the people I was working amongst.
Joe (not his real name) moved in to a hostel that I was managing when he was 22. He grew up in London and was often found by the police wandering the streets even at the age of 5. He grew up with a string of “dads” and “uncles” and eventually moved on to the street full time when he was 16 after the education system could hold him no longer. He moved around from London to Canterbury, Cambridge and eventually ended up in Bedfordshire where the charity I worked for picked him up. To say Joe had anger issue was an understatement and his explosions would often be aimed physically at the closest person. After he had been at the hostel for about 3 months he had an explosion but there was a big difference on this particular day, instead of hitting the person closest to him he kicked the thing closest to him. The cooker took a real bashing that day before Joe ran up to his shared room. I followed him upstairs and found him huddled under the duvet. Now I had to deliver the news that Joe was in a heap of trouble but at the same time I wanted to say something vital. I wanted to tell Joe that I was proud of him.
As I spoke these words the duvet started to quiver as Joe cried. At 22 Joe, for the first time in his life, heard someone tell him that they were proud, proud that he had made a good choice, proud that he had taken his anger out on the cooker and not a human face.
Social fathering is something I live for, to be able to stand in the gap that absent fathers have left and bring something of the affirmation and support that only a Dad can bring. I still hear from Joe, but he’s not the only guy that I know my words have affected. Since I made a choice 20 years ago to socially father the fatherless, to play my part in the social village of life, I have “adopted” some 15 guys who I can honestly say I love as if they are my own.
