Dadtalk

Wait 'til your Father gets home...

What do your children expect of you when you get home from work? You want to bring discipline without making them live in fear of you.

Introduction

Ring any bells?

Did your mother say that to you in a ‘desperate-threatening’ type of way? When? Why? And what actually happened? What did your father do?

Do you have any idea what they expect you to do ‘when you get home?’

Do you want your children to spend their days fearing the sound of your approaching footsteps?

Being the final arbiter - making judgements, setting penalties and issuing punishments.

When you were growing up:

• Who set the boundaries or made the rules in your family?
• Who enforced the boundaries or rules in your family?
• What happened when you crossed the boundaries or broke the rules?
• Who gave out the punishments?
• Were the adults consistent and reliable?
• Were all children treated fairly?

You are the ‘DAD’ now - how is it going to work in your family?

You only have to watch the ‘Simpsons’ or ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ to work out the answer to that one. Amusing they may be and fun to watch perhaps, but would you honestly want Homer or Bart or Reese or Malcolm or Dewey in your home for longer than twenty minutes at a time? Concerning setting boundaries there are four basic options:

1. No boundaries

Do what you like! Please yourself! Anything goes!

2. Constraining boundaries

Lots of rules and severe punishments when they’re broken. ‘Breathe or move out of place and you’re in trouble’

3. Inconsistent boundaries

A mixture of 1 and 2. One day indulgent or neglectful, the next strict, today you get into trouble for doing that but tomorrow it may be OK. Sometimes I’ll tell you off, sometimes I won’t. Depends how I feel, depends who’s around, depends where we are, depends... just depends....

4. Clear, fair and consistent boundaries

Children know what is acceptable and what is not and understand why. Parents consistently reinforce boundaries in a firm, fair way. There is room for children to explore and grow but within a safe and secure environment.

Here are some questions to help you find your own answer!

• What kind of family are you building?
• What do you want your home to feel like?
• What’s important to you?
• What are your values?
• What do you hope to achieve?
• What mistakes do you want to avoid?

Would you like your family to be kind?

Then set it as a boundary:

Express it positively in the first instance: In this family we are kind to one another.

This means that we listen. We are polite. We help each other. We don’t shout at one another. We don’t fight.

What other boundaries can you put in place enhance your family life and keep everyone safe and secure?

In consultation with your partner and your children choose no more than five and stick to them. Perhaps one of the children would like to write them up and display them on the fridge. After a while you will find that some old rules can be dropped because they have become family habits and new rules must be adopted because life with children changes so rapidly.

Praise the members of your family when they keep within the boundaries. Notice kindness expressed by the children and the adults in the home, even visitors. Use body language, smiles, words, loving touch and even rewards.

Rewards can be expressed instantly by an extra game, or ten minutes longer to play before bed, another story perhaps.

Or reward by placing stickers on charts, or keeping tally’s on the fridge so that as the whole family is kind to one another you all work towards a bigger treat like a walk in the woods, a picnic, a cricket match in the park, a new DVD, a trip to the cinema.

So what happens when the rule is broken or a boundary crossed? Deal with it firmly but fairly.

Penalties

Issue an appropriate penalty. Don’t ‘ground’ a child for a week or throw their bike in the bin, or cancel their birthday party because they made their sibling cry! Likewise think carefully about how you deal with dishonesty or bullying or stealing. Decide if it is a yellow or a red card offence! Do they need to spend some time in the ‘sin bin’ or must they be sent off? Are you going to issue just a fine or give a fine and points on their licence? Do you get the picture? Don’t over egg it!

What can you use as penalties?

• Time out to cool down (this must be a safe place and for a limited period of time)
• Deny them an activity they would normally enjoy
• Set them a special task or chore
• Ensure the child apologises and makes amends
• Allow them to experience the consequences (if safe to do so)
• Reduced or no time with the computer/play station/TV

NB Think carefully before giving penalties - remember you do not want to end up punishing yourself or your partner!

A word to the wise: Since all of us, and children in particular, crave attention, sometimes we do things just to get noticed.

If you pay attention to undesirable behaviour for instance make a big fuss when a child uses a swear word, or laugh when they put something down the toilet, or jump up and down in a rage when they scribble on the wallpaper the chances are they may use any of those behaviours against you in order to get more of your attention. To a child any attention, even if it is angry and cross, is better than no attention at all.

The Nurturing Programme uses this motto:

“What you pay attention to is what you get more of!”

If you make a big deal when your children do the things you want them to... they’ll do them all the more. Praise! Praise! Praise! It really works wonders. Conversely if you make a big deal of things you don’t want them to do they’ll do those things all the more too.

Some children are easier to praise than others. Don’t keep your praise just for achievements at school. Praise them for personal character traits.

I’m so glad I’m your Dad
You really tried hard
Thank you for waiting so patiently
You were so polite
You were such good company
I love spending time with you
You kept going even when it was hard - Well done
You share so nicely - that really pleases me
What a great job you have made of that
I really appreciate your help
You really make me laugh

Do you find the transition between work and home a struggle - if so what strategies have you in place to deal with it? I once heard a wise man say that too many dads, himself included, develop a ‘slipper’ mentality.

They get in from work and either literally or psychologically (or both), put their slippers on. They think ‘that’s it. I’ve done a days work, now I can switch off!’

Meanwhile the children, who strangely enough, love you no matter what, crave your attention. Your partner, if you have one, has spent the last hour watching the clock, longing for the moment you would arrive, and take some of the pressure off or at least share the load until bedtime when at last, exhausted, you can both get a moments peace!

The ‘wise man’ discovered that if he simply adjusted the way he thought, altered his expectations; he could significantly improve the quality of his family life.

On the way home dad, instead of dreaming about putting your slippers on and winding down, prepare to put you ‘super hero shoes’ on and switch to turbo mode!

The children already think you’re amazing and chances are your partner will too when you come in ready to spend quality time with the children.

There’s lots of other people who could step into your shoes at work.

There’ll be lots more episodes of Top Gear, hours and hours of ‘footie’ on the TV.

The Wii or the internet will still be there when they’ve gone to bed (or university!). The grass will always need cutting.....but your children will only want to play with you for a few, brief, precious years. No one else can step into your shoes as far they’re concerned.

Do it now - kick that slipper mentality into touch and tomorrow when you get home from work - put on those super hero shoes!

It’s energising. It’s fun. It’s good for you. It’s an amazing way to build healthy relationships. It’s an investment in the future of your family that will bring a lucrative return.

Your kids won’t be able to wait for you to get home!

Don’t wait until you’re a grand dad - be a great dad now!

Ask about their day, get down and play, talk to them, entertain them with daft stories about your friends at work, tell them silly jokes, magic pennies from behind their ears and show them how to hang a dessert spoon from their nose!

Enquire about homework if you must but in a supportive way - not an ‘I’m checking up way!’

Do a jig saw, put a tent up in the garden and have tea out there.

Play hide and seek, wrestle, make rockets out of shoe boxes and cereal packets, kick a ball around, read stories, dance, build a castle of bricks, have a water fight.

Go for a bike ride, walk the dog, clean out the guinea pig, bath the baby.

Sounds exhausting? Yes it is! But what an adrenalin rush!

Dads, when you come home from work you’re not off duty - the next few hours are crucial to the success and health of your family.