Dadtalk

Discipline 101

Your picture of what discipline is will be shaped by your own experiences as a child growing up, and, from the moment they are born, your experience as a parent

What does the word mean to you?

Ask any group of adults what they think ‘discipline’ means & you are likely to get a range of moans and groans. Your picture of what discipline is will be shaped by your own experiences as a child growing up, and, from the moment they are born, your experience as a parent.

There are also many different definitions of the word (& it is often linked to ‘punishment’), but a more positive take would be: “Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability.” Roy L.Smith.

And to remind us that discipline does not just relate to childhood...

"Many of life’s circumstances are created by three basic choices: the disciplines you choose to keep, the people you choose to be with; and, the laws you choose to obey". Charles Millhuff.

As with most parenting skills, there is no ‘one size fits all’ solution - even within families, you may find different children respond better to different methods of discipline. However, whatever method you use, there are some basic rules to follow:

• Be consistent - this means both you and your partner (and anyone else closely involved in parenting your children) must apply the same rules & boundaries - consistently - which means all the time. If you are not consistent children will pick up on this very quickly and work out how to bend the rules i.e. which parent will let me get away with this...
• Say what you mean, mean what you say - before you open your mouth, think about whether you are able to follow through...’you are grounded forever’ is just not going to happen - and they know it! If you say ‘no’ to something, be sure you will stick to it - no matter how much nagging and pleading may go on. If you don’t, your children will just nag & plead all the more next time...
• Move with the times - you can’t keep the same rules & methods of discipline throughout your children’s lives. It is simple - they grow up. You need to be ready to adapt to new challenges as they come up e.g. you may not need rules for use of mobile phones or curfews for a 3 year old but you do need them for a 13 year old!
• Pick your battles - don’t get into constantly saying ‘no’ ‘don’t touch that’ ‘you can’t do that’ ‘stop it’ - some things are not worth fighting over. Try to focus on the positive/good things more that the negative/bad behaviour.
• Love - always discipline in love. If you are angry, take some time out to think things through before you act - simply say ‘I am feeling very angry right now, I need some time to think about this then I will come back to you’. (Obviously make sure younger children are in a safe place while you do this!) This rule also means it is easier to have a ‘zero tolerance’ policy, nipping the important things in the bud before they build into a big deal.

This list is not exhaustive - think of discipline as a train with many different carriages attached. There are pros & cons with each method but you don’t have to use them all - carriages can be added & removed over time. The important thing to remember is not to let the train run by itself (no carriages) - or it will soon get away from you! Re-training a child is much harder that training them well in the first place.

• The naughty step - made famous by the ‘Supernanny’ TV series. It is important to remember that the word ‘naughty’ is attributed to the behaviour, not the child i.e. ‘you did something naughty’ not ‘you are naughty.’ If you give a dog a bad name...it works for people too - if children think they are integrally bad then they will often behave as such. It is also important to have an ‘exit plan’ i.e. how/when can the child come off the naughty step e.g. after an allotted time, and/or when they are ready to apologise? Some other ‘naughty step questions’ are answered by the Supernanny team
• Time out - allows both you and the child to ‘cool down’ and think through your reactions. Remember to communicate the ‘end time’ to the child - when will they be able to leave time out? A child will become very frustrated if time out appears to be ‘indefinite.’ The Kids Development website gives some guidance
• Smacking - still not illegal in the UK - although child abuse most definitely is - so where do you draw the line? See the Children’s Legal Centre for more specific advise on smacking Some cultures see smacking as a necessary form of discipline -
  read an article by one of our DadTalk contributors

• Natural consequences - ok providing not actually life threatening or dangerous! This article from About.Com talks about the difference between natural and logical consequences - and how they can be used when disciplining teenagers
• Rewards - rewarding the good behaviour can have much greater impact than punishing the bad behaviour. This principle can be described as ‘growing the grass so long the weeks have nowhere to grow!’ As a ‘total’ strategy this is difficult as there must also be consequences for negative behaviour. John Cowan, author of parenting books, learnt this from a rat... read more at Parents Inc
• Pocket money/allowances - a useful tool for older children e.g. ‘fines’ for messy rooms or missing homework. Read the DadTalk article on Teenage Allowances