Dadtalk

Behaviour Management for Dads

So you want the best behaved kids in the street? It's as easy as A-B-C...

Introduction

Ok, so you want to have the best behaved kids in the street?

It’s as easy as A-B-C. Start here:

A - Are you in a two parent situation or parenting alone?

Choose one scenario...

A (i) Happily married

First of all love their mother, then, out of love for each other, and your children, commit to work it out together! Now go to B

A (ii) Happily separated/divorced

Commit to communicating effectively with their mother in order to agree together how you will raise your children.Now go to B

A (iii) Unhappily separated/divorced

If you can’t do that then at least politely inform their mother of the way that you are trying to manage the children’s behaviour when they are with you. Now go to B

Choose one scenario...

A (iv) Lone parent with good friends

If you are parenting on your own get some support from reliable family or friends. Choose people whose parenting style you admire and who seem to have happy healthy children of their own. Be honest enough to seek advice or counsel, as you need it. Now go to B

A (v) Parenting alone

If you have no one who can help you, read everything you can get your hands on and sign up for a parenting course. A health visitor, head teacher or church leader should be able to point you in the right direction. Check the Related links for some suggestions. Now go to B

Now go to B

A (vi) Parenting alone and allergic to books

If you are not a great reader then find out about a parenting group you can attend. A health visitor, head teacher or church leader should be able to point you in the right direction. Check the Related links for some suggestions. Now go to B

Whether you parent together or separately you improve your chance of success when you support each other’s decisions regarding behaviour, and maintain clear and consistent boundaries. Bear in mind you will probably have to adjust and amend your approach regularly as the children grow and your lives change. Now go to

Although you may not fit society’s ‘norm’ as a single Dad parenting children on his own, this doesn’t mean you can’t do a fantastic job! It is up to you to figure it all out and give your children the very best upbringing possible. Bear in mind you will probably have to adjust and amend your approach regularly as the children grow and your lives change. Now go to C

Fathering a child is easy but being a dad is hard to do at the best of times so I hope you’re up for a challenge!

To start with I recommend you consider the following areas:

You may not remember what it was like to be a child, but empathy is an amazing tool to build close, satisfying relationships. To increase your ability to manage your child’s behaviour in an empathic way try the following:

• Have someone feed you sloppy food from a spoon or allow a friend who’s in a hurry to brush your teeth and comb your hair.
• Try to make someone understand that you are tired or hungry or interested in having a look at something ... without using words.
• Try to explain to someone that you are frightened or anxious or jealous ... without words!
• Get down on your knees and see what the world looks like from there.
• Imagine what it would be like to be strapped into a buggy and pushed in and out of boring shops through vast crowds of people for up to two hours at a time.
• Take a ride on a tandem making sure the person in front of you blocks out your view completely - or sit in the back of a car from where you can see nothing but the back of the seat in front of you... for an hour or two.
• Put on a pair of thick gloves that are two sizes to big for you then attempt the following:
  • Doing up buttons
  • Tying shoe laces
  • Fastening a Zip
• Imagine what it would be like if things just happened all around you all day... no one explained what was happening next, asked your permission or your opinion and repeatedly bossed you around and told you to hurry up!

Dads, if you want to manage your children’s behaviour well, first you have to see life through their eyes. You may think it’s child’s play but it is not always easy being a child!

Dads, do you have any idea what you can reasonably expect your child to be able to do at various ages and stages of development?

• Can a 9-month-old baby be expected to understand ‘No’?
• Should an 18 month old be able to manage the stairs safely?
• Can a 2-year-old share?
• Does a 3 year old understand ‘cause and effect’?
• Can a 5 year old understand how to keep safe on the roads?
• Is a child just lazy if they still wet the bed at 6 years old?
• Should a teenager be able to resist peer pressure?

If you don’t, you may find yourself supervising your children inappropriately and disciplining them unfairly. You may end up wrapping them in cotton wool or giving them responsibility they cannot handle. You could damage your relationship and wreck their self esteem into the bargain - so find out - ask - phone a friend - I bet you know what kind of performance you can reasonably expect from your car or your footie team!

There are plenty of resources out there on ‘Child development’ - try your local bookshop, library, or do an Internet search to access them.

The key to discipline is the word ‘positive’.

If you see a sign saying ‘Keep of the grass’ what do you instinctively want to do?

You know those flashing speed signs - don’t you just love to see them light up?

Yep, we’re all just children at heart.

Ok you don’t believe me? Try this:

“Don’t think of a Pink Elephant!” Now what are you thinking of? A pink elephant, right?

• Instead of telling children what they mustn’t do tell them what behaviour you do want. Instead of ‘Don’t run off’ try ‘stay close to me please’ (even children appreciate politeness - but that’s another topic!) Instead of ‘Stop shouting’, try ‘use your quiet voice’.
• Beware of self- fulfilling prophecies - instead of ‘You’ll fall’, try ‘take care - hold tight’
• Agree family rules and stick to them. Select no more than five really important things and agree them at a family meeting. Attach appropriate rewards and penalties for all the children and adults in the family. Change the rules by agreement once they are well-established habits or have become irrelevant. Examples include:

• • We play kindly together
  • We stay at the table until everyone has finished eating
  • Children are in bed with lights off by ?o’clock.
  • Homework is done before tea.

• Notice when they get it right and praise them for it. Tell them often about their pleasing character traits e.g.
  • ‘I love it when you’re kind.’
  • ‘You’re great fun to be around.’
  • ‘That was a thoughtful thing to do.’
  • ‘I admire your patience.’
  • ‘You tried really hard when it was difficult - well done!’
  • ‘Thank you for waiting so quietly.’
  • ‘You’re getting really good at... taking turns, or sharing your toys etc.’
• If it is safe to do so ignore irritating behaviour and take lots of notice of pleasing behaviour. Remember - What you pay attention to is what you get more of!
• Offer a choice when there is one.
  • ‘You have to wear a sweater today, do you want the blue one or the green one?’
  • ‘We need to tidy the toys away. Will you help me before or after tea?’

• ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ is a particularly good maxim when dealing with pre-teens and teenagers. According to your family values decide what really matters and focus your disciplining energies accordingly. If you don’t, you’ll be exhausted from constant correction, and your kids will loathe your nagging and moaning.

How are you today? - fine right?

No, I really mean it - how are you feeling today?

Do you know? Have you had time to stop and think?

Dads are emotional beings whether you choose to admit it or not! Here are just a few feelings to get you started: frustrated; calm; irritated; rejected; powerful; furious; valued; assertive; upset; bored; angry; loved; pleased; proud; sad; determined; helpless; cheerful; guilty; confused; disappointed; hurt; insecure; rebellious; tired; embarrassed; worried; confident; relaxed; aggressive.

So I repeat the question: “How are you today?”

Why do I insist on an answer? Because how you feel today makes an impact on how you parent your children today.

Usually when we are short tempered and snappy with our children we excuse it by saying we are ‘tired’. The truth is we may well be tired but perhaps we are worn down with feeling helpless or bored or rejected. So stop for a moment and ask yourself why do you feel like that and is there anything you can do to extend the feeling or change it?

Perhaps you are more lenient when you are feeling good about yourself, your achievements.... a new job, a pay rise, a promotion.

Perhaps you are more easily angered if you feel undervalued, that no one is listening to you, or pressured by money worries...

One day it’s OK to cover the lounge floor in train set another day even a couple of trains causes a major parental outburst - how’s a child supposed to work all that out?

Children flourish where boundaries are kindly and consistently maintained.

Self- awareness helps us to understand when we need to try a little harder to be consistent. Self-awareness helps us to think more carefully about our first response to our children’s cries for attention. If we are angry or frustrated we may transfer those feelings to our children and discipline them in an inappropriate way.

“That’s it you’re grounded for a month!”or

“That’s it I’m taking your bike down the tip now!” are hardly rational statements!

If you are self-aware you will appreciate your own needs and understand why it makes sense to buy yourself some time concerning appropriate punishments. “That behaviour is totally unacceptable. There will be a consequence - we’ll talk about it later.” is a courageous and appropriate response. But make sure you do follow through later and remember don’t hand out penalties that actually punish you!

If you’re self-aware you will know when you have made mistakes and got it wrong.

If you’re self-aware you will be able to apologise. It is perfectly OK to say “I’m sorry.... I over reacted.... I jumped to conclusions.... I didn’t listen.... Can we talk it through and agree a more suitable outcome”

This all sounds very grown up I know - but then that’s what parents are supposed to be and that’s ultimately what we’re hoping our children will become. If we are grown up they will know what it looks like and have a better model to follow.

As you grapple with your feelings and understand why you do the things you do, your self-esteem and confidence will grow. Even better though is the fact that your child will learn self-awareness too. If they can describe their feelings adequately and understand their own behaviour they too will grow in self-esteem.

Healthy self-esteem is one of the greatest gifts a parent can develop in their child.