Listening

It is a skill that improves with practice, one that needs to be worked at. It is important to pay attention to feelings. Listening for feelings makes us more sensitive and understanding. Never forget it is easy to ‘hurt’ a teenager by laughing at them or making fun of them.

It is helpful to reflect back in your own words what you hear. This helps you to establish that you understand what is being said and are on the right track. It also encourages the child to say more. Often a nod or grunt or ‘a ha’ will be enough to do this. It is wise to use silence – say nothing and see where the conversation goes.

Listening builds trust – children will trust an adult who listens, children will find it difficult to talk to:

• Someone who is always busy;
• Someone who reacts immediately by advising “I told you so…”;
• Someone who is always scolding “Why didn’t you do what you were told!"

Physical Listening – Be an attentive listener. Nodding your head from time to time or saying "ummm" lets people know you are listening. Other phrases to encourage someone to keep talking are: "What happened next?"; "Can you tell me more about that?"; and "How did it make you feel?"

Be sure to maintain eye contact while you're listening. If your eyes wander, your thoughts may wander as well. Maintaining eye contact lets people know you are focusing on what they are saying.

Keep your comments and questions relevant to the situation unfolding before you. Changing the subject causes the conversation to drift, and you will lose your teenagers confidence. He'll believe you really don't care, and you aren't listening. Remain calm and try not to look shocked or dismayed even when you are!

Paraphrasing - To be a good listener, you need to take an active role. Re-word what you have been told you so that the one speaking knows you understand. Using your own words to do this shows that you are listening, and that you care about what you have been told.

As you listen, encourage your child to talk by asking open-ended questions. These questions require more than a "yes" or "no" answer.

• Don't say, "Did you have a good day?" Instead say, "Tell me what happened today."
• Other types of open-ended questions are: "How did you feel about that?"; "What do you want to do about it?” and "What did you do when she said that?";
• Try not to be the one doing the talking. Teenagers are actually very good at working out solutions to problems when given options.

Empathy - While you listen, use phrases such as: "You sound angry.” or “It seems you're not sure what to do next?" This is empathising. It helps to make the person talking feel safe and secure. Teenagers will feel more like confiding in you if they feel they can trust you. You may not agree with your child's feelings, but you do need to acknowledge them. One of the hardest things is learning neither to over react nor to under react.

Reflect your teenager's feelings back to her. Be careful not to insert your own feelings into the conversation.

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